


The Beat To My Heart

by ashilrak



Series: Unrelated Hamilton Soulmate AUs [7]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Asexual Character, M/M, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-10
Updated: 2016-09-10
Packaged: 2018-08-14 07:50:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8004376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashilrak/pseuds/ashilrak
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"The marks would show up anywhere from the terrible age of twelve to mid-20s. After that point, you were usually written off as being blank - a not-so-great thing to be. James was fortunate enough to receive his mark during graduation. He had put on his cap and gown prior to the ceremony, and when he took it off and rolled up the sleeves of his shirt to go to dinner with his family, the name Thomas Jefferson was written along his left forearm. </p><p>He immediately wished it wasn’t there. Being blank was better than being rejected, and that was what James Madison was no doubt destined to be. Sexuality was always an interesting topic to discuss, as there wasn’t really any sort of discrimination against any combination of genders in soulmates. However, there was plenty of discrimination towards those who claimed to identify with a sexuality that went against the “natural order of their soulmark”."</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Beat To My Heart

James Madison grew up like most other kids his age - eagerly awaiting the day his mark bloomed. It happened at a different time for everyone, but James expected that in this, like with everything else, he’d be a late bloomer. 

The marks would show up anywhere from the terrible age of twelve to mid-20s. After that point, you were usually written off as being blank - a not-so-great thing to be. James was fortunate enough to receive his mark during graduation. He had put on his cap and gown prior to the ceremony, and when he took it off and rolled up the sleeves of his shirt to go to dinner with his family, the name Thomas Jefferson was written along his left forearm. 

He immediately wished it wasn’t there. Being blank was better than being rejected, and that was what James Madison was no doubt destined to be. Sexuality was always an interesting topic to discuss, as there wasn’t really any sort of discrimination against any combination of genders in soulmates. However, there was plenty of discrimination towards those who claimed to identify with a sexuality that went against the “natural order of their soulmark”.

James went against the natural order of his soulmark. At first, he just thought it was that he hadn’t found his soulmate that he wasn’t sexually attracted to anyone, but then he realized that the very idea of sex seemed to bother him. He had tried to picture it, and even after he got his name and realized this his soulmate was probably a guy, it still didn’t click or seem comfortable or desirable to him in any way. 

He was worried, and scared. He was terrified that he’d meet his soulmate, this Thomas Jefferson, and fall in love with them. Maybe not immediately, but he thought that there’d be some sort of spark at first - the kind that was described in the poetry he had been forced to read in his English class. Thomas would recognize James’s name, and maybe they’d get coffee to get to know each other. Maybe Thomas would throw their head back and laugh, or maybe they’d tell a joke with a mischievous gleam in their eyes. Either way, James knew he would fall, and he would fall hard. And that would make it hurt so much more should Thomas choose to leave him, because he was broken.

His main way of dealing with the situation was simply not thinking about it. What didn’t exist in his mind couldn’t hurt him, right? Wrong. He had always had anxiety, but it had become worse. He didn’t tell his parents about it, and he didn’t think they had noticed. 

James was relieved when college finally started. His parents weren’t terribly overbearing or anything, but he could tell that they expected something out him. He wasn’t sure what, but he knew it was there. It was in the way they looked at him, as if gazing through a calculating lens. They didn’t always like what they saw, and he thought it had something to do with the fact that his sister had already met her soulmate. 

Their parents had always been vocal in their belief that there was something terribly wrong with people who just didn’t have a soulmate. James had never told them that he had gotten his, so they were probably waiting. It was probably for the best they think him blank than know his soulmate left him. At least he has a solid excuse, and they can’t blame him for not fully accepting the person who he’s been blessed with. 

He had decided to go with a random roommate. If he hated them, he’d rather end up knowing that it wasn’t his fault for thinking they’d be okay, but rather just the way the cookie crumbled. He ended up rooming with a big, burly guy who liked to sew. James’ sister said that his roommate looked like a bigger version of him, but he didn’t see it. His roommate’s name was Hercules, and he was honestly one of the funniest people James had ever met.

Hercules was totally cool with James latching onto him during welcome week, and for that he was thankful. They didn’t have any of the same classes, and he was okay with that. If James had been able to cling to Hercules the entirety of the first semester he would have. Instead, James found himself alone in his first political science class struggling to figure out what to say to the kid next to him who just wouldn’t stop talking.

The professor had come into the class saying that since each table held six people, the tables were to split themselves into two groups, and that’d be who they’d work with for their big project for the semester. James found himself thrown together with the kid who still hadn’t shut up, and another one named John. Their professor had gone on to say that she had made them split up like this since chances were they’d find themselves disagreeing on several topics, and it was a good exercise to work together and overcome their differences to achieve a common goal. 

Their common goal was to defend a historical political movement that had met opposition. It was both a good and a bad thing that the description didn’t narrow it down all that much - almost every decision ever made in the world had been met with opposition. The talkative one, who was still going on, had started to say something about maybe arguing for immigration, or the abolition of slavery, or even the founding of the country if they wanted to be ambitious.

James started nodding along with everything the kid said, even if just to attempt to get him to stop. He never did, and John had chosen to follow James’ strategy, as he had yet to speak up either. The kid, who was apparently named Alexander, decided that they were going to defend the constitution. James didn’t really get why he would choose that, but he wasn’t going to raise a fuss. The professor said they had the semester to work on the project, and the way of doing so was up to them.

It was the vaguest assignment James had ever been given in his life, and he was terrified. He decided it’d be a good idea to just do as Alexander said in this case. He wanted to re-write the federalist papers, but in a more modern tone and perspective. James didn’t know why Alexander thought it was such a great idea, but he went along with it. So did John, just less enthusiastically. John wrote a grand total of five. 

There were only 25 federalist papers originally, so they had decided to split it up among the three of them as evenly as possible. After John had said he was done, James and Alexander had started to book study rooms to work together to make sure the overall theme of the papers was similar and all the ideas worked together. 

Alexander was in a triple, and his roommates apparently didn’t believe that James existed, so they started to come along to their work sessions. Aaron was fine, he just sat down and worked on whatever it is he was doing. He didn’t talk too much, and James found him to have a weird vibe - but nothing worth making a big deal out of. John Laurens was an adventure, apparently he and Alexander were soulmates, and had been making Aaron’s life hell. James didn’t mind him, but nor did he find himself ever becoming super close with John in the future.

James’ biggest problem with John was that he was too nice and friendly - he was the type of guy that could become friends with anyone, but had a small group of very close friends that he seemed to always be with. They followed him to the study sessions, meaning that the duo of James and Alex had grown to a group of six squished into a small room. It had been surprising when he found out that the John Hercules always talked about was Alex’s John.

One day Lafayette’s roommate had come in because Laf had something of theirs, and James’ first thought had been “Why do they look so much alike” and his second had been “why is the roommate somehow even MORE attractive wtf”. James might not be wanting to have sex with the man, but he sure as hell could appreciate him aesthetically, and there was a lot to appreciate. He had left as quickly as he came, and James didn’t think much more of it.

The next week, Alexander went off on one of his usual rants. James had gotten pretty good at ignoring them, but then he heard the name Thomas Jefferson. It wasn’t his fault that his soulmate’s name caught his attention, but Alexander noticed that he was listening for once, and James was treated with every single terrible detail about Thomas Jefferson. 

Thomas didn’t seem like that great of a guy, but Lafayette seemed to get along with him such fine, and Lafayette wouldn’t put up with the sort of trash that Alexander was describing. James allowed himself to find comfort in that - and the fact that Alexander seemed to enjoy hating Thomas, so surely he couldn’t be that terrible. It was a friendly rivalry.

James was perfectly okay never meeting Thomas. Sure, a large part of him really wanted to, but he knew it was for the best that he didn’t. After all, it was easier to not fall in love with a man you’ve only heard rants about and seen once or twice. 

And then the group of people that had become their study group had decided that they should start doing fun things instead of just locking themselves in a tiny room for a couple of hours on the weekend. 

They decided to start out simple, and the group simply migrated into Lafayette’s room after the study session was over to watch a movie. Thomas was in the room, and looked surprised when they walked in. He was reading something, and was wearing a pair of glasses with thick black frames, and a part of James’ soul died. This was not going to be easy for him. His assumption was further proved correct when the group all squished themselves onto Lafayette’s bed, and James found himself stuck between Thomas and the headboard. 

James had never really had that big of an issue with personal space, and he was grateful for that particular quirk of his in that moment. So having Thomas pressed up against his side wasn’t the problem, it was the fact that not only was Thomas wearing a heavenly cologne, but that he insisted on making conversation.

He was terrified. Not of interacting with his soulmate, that was fine, but what would come from it. Eventually, Thomas would find out his name, and he’d have to explain why he hadn’t said anything. There was no way that James didn’t know who Thomas was after working together with Alexander for so long.

Thankfully, he didn’t have to deal with the fallout of that particular revelation that night, or the next three times they ended up all doing something together. James found himself getting more comfortable with the situation, and he stopped being so paranoid about the others seeing his soulmark and figuring out the relationship between himself and Thomas. He and Thomas got along wonderfully, and Hercules often made fun of how it was like they were made for eachother. It was simply so easy to fall into pace with Thomas, and their conversations and banter came naturally. 

Of course that peace couldn’t last. It turned out that Alex could cook, and and he could cook well. They ended up taking over the kitchenette in the basement of Alex’s dorm, and shared a truly delicious meal of some dish James forgot the name of. He wasn’t normally one to try new things, but whatever it was that Alex created, it was amazing. Of course, Alex cooking meant that dish duty fell on someone else. In this case, it meant that James and Thomas found themselves cleaning plates and other kitchenware and exchanging words while the others fucked around with the tv in the rec room.

James would have much preferred to do the chore by himself. He loved having Thomas to talk to, but doing dished meant that he had to push up his sleeves, and that meant exposing his soulmark. He either had to accept that this was the moment everything was going to change, or hope that his mark would remain covered by suds and Thomas would just conveniently not look over.

He was too realistic to place much value on that kind of hope though. People were too nosy about soulmates to not look when a new bit of skin was exposed. It wasn’t just out of sexual desire - people wanted to know how others matched up. Most of the time you would have no idea who the name belonged to, but other times it would change your entire worldview. 

It was bound to happen eventually - it was honestly a miracle that Thomas hadn’t heard or seen James’ last name even in passing. He was no doubt extra curious - people always were when they encountered people with the same name as the one written on them. Soulmates were always reciprocated - that was the only guarantee that had been proven time and time again over the centuries. Thomas had his mark, and it matched James’, and now the moment that would decide their future was upon them.

James knew the second Thomas saw it. He heard a gasp, and a plate drop into the water with a splash. He continued to scrub the fork in his hands, and stared down, waiting for Thomas to say something. No word was spoken before James felt two wet hands on his shoulders, turning him around so that he was facing Thomas.

They stared at each other in silence.

He could tell that neither of them were willing to break it. James could tell that a part of Thomas was hurt, could see it in the shine of his eyes. But James hoped that the understanding would outweigh it. Depending on how this conversation went, it might be months until they could properly sit down and talk it out. James didn’t want to lose Thomas, and he would be the one to initiate the second conversation if necessary. 

Any hope they had of figuring it out now was taken away when John came into the kitchen to throw out the empty soda cans and candy wrappers. James knew there was a reason he was never the biggest fan of John, and this was it right here - he had terrible timing.

The moment was ruined, and the potential for progression taken away, so they both turned back to the dishes. The silence was oppressing, but neither broke it. 

Perhaps this would be it - the end of the friendship he had shared with Thomas. James could feel the tears welling up in his eyes. Now was not the time, and yet they were not going away. He couldn’t blame them. His world was crashing down, in a way. He had a really great thing, and now that was all going to go away. Not only was his friendship with Thomas ruined, it was likely they any potential for a future relationship had gone down the drain once Thomas came to the realization that James knew and never said anything.

The others would question the awkwardness between them, and eventually they’d start to push him out of the group. After all, it’s James’ fault, isn’t it. He was the one who didn’t rejoice in the discovery of his soulmate - he was the one who’s hurting Thomas with his continued silence. He’d lose the support system he’d found among them, and even his room wouldn’t be a form of solace, as Hercules probably wouldn’t know how to treat him. Hercules was a romantic, and had been waiting for his Elizabeth since he was thirteen, and always talked about how the moment he saw her, he was going to propose.

He dropped the fork he was still holding into the sudsy water, and tucked his head to his chest, and let the tears start to fall. His residence hall was only down the street. He could let these few tears out, and then hold it together for the walk home. He would leave, and probably not hear from anyone again. But it’d be okay. It was better this way. Better he be the one to ruin it all than have the others do it slowly and painfully to him. 

Before he could leave, he felt two arms pulling him in tight to a firm chest. James knew that Thomas was taller than him - he wasn’t blind, and considering how short he was, most people were. It was different seeing it though and having Thomas rest his chin on his head, hands rubbing his back in a soothing motion.

James cried harder. What kind of person reacted like this. There was so much that could have been read into this actions, or rather, lack of. And yet here Thomas was, comforting him. He didn’t deserve this, and even should they come to an understanding, Thomas would just leave him again. Or would James do it - could he pretend to be something he wasn’t in order to keep Thomas his and his alone. 

With the beat of Thomas’s heart under his ear, James decided that yes, yes he would. He may hate himself at time, but this embrace - this sense of comfort and home, it would be worth it. It had to be worth it.

Years later, James would look down at himself, and think of all the nights he had spent doing something that just seemed so wrong, for Thomas, and he would realize it wasn’t worth it. This level of self-hatred that accompanied it was no longer overshadowed by the joy his love brought him. It had been balanced for a while, and James had been able to live with that.

But the more time that passed, the more the self-hatred built up. He dreaded coming home some nights, he really did. And he couldn’t just stop it now. All because he had been too scared to speak up all that time ago. He had been young, and naive, and thought everything would work out fine. He realized now that had he just said something then, it would have worked itself out. But he didn’t say something then, and he wasn’t going to say something now.

It was surprisingly easy packing up his bags and leaving. He left a note on the counter, explaining everything. Thomas would be able to find him, if he cared enough to search him out after finding out what James had been doing to himself. Thomas would love him still, right? He had to. James left his phone on top of the envelope with Thomas’s name written across it.

James was fortunate enough to do most of his work online, so it didn’t affect the rest of his life too much when he moved into a motel room a couple of towns over.

The next couple of weeks were hell. He barely left the room, and all the time alone only gave him more time to reflect on the past and warp every single event in his mind until it was straight out of a psychological thriller where the main character realizes that everything they knew was a lie and they were actually the murderer all along.

James was ripped out of his secluded reality with a knock on the door one day. He opened it expecting to have to tell the cleaning lady that the service wasn’t needed, but instead was greeted with the beautiful face of the husband he had abandoned. 

And just like that moment in the kitchenette all those years ago, James couldn’t fight the tears as he was pulled against a firm chest, listening to the beat of Thomas' heart.

**Author's Note:**

> This ended up taking much more time and being much longer than I originally expected haha
> 
> Please feel free to pester me at my tumblr: ashilrak
> 
> Let me know what you think!
> 
> <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [not every issue can be settled by committee](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8566258) by [Sanna_Black_Slytherin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sanna_Black_Slytherin/pseuds/Sanna_Black_Slytherin)




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